Forgiveness is a Missing Business Principle
Just this morning I was vacuuming and my daughter ran into the vacuum handle. Immediately, I stopped what I was doing, picked her up, and said, “I’m so sorry that hurt you!” She just turned 2 but part of our parenting approach is to apologize to her when we do something that hurts or that is our mistake. We have been teaching her the same thing. It’s actually adorable because the other day she was moving a stool in the kitchen to help cook and kept saying, “Sorry toes. Sorry toes.” because she was hitting her toes with the stool and she moved it.
Do you remember when you were taught about apologizing and forgiveness as a child? We talk about it so much in our society and how it plays such a critical role in healthy relationships. But, can you tell me when you were first told it was also something to do in your work relationships to keep them healthy? Can you tell me the last time you apologized sincerely to someone for being difficult, dismissing their contribution to a conversation, or missing a deadline they were counting on you for? What about the last time that frustrating business partner gave you an apology? How about your boss who got upset and blurted out something unkind? Where are the relationship building principles of apologizing and forgiveness in our work cultures?
Apologizing.
Sometimes in work, we forget that we are all humans and that almost all of our success is dependent on healthy relationships with people. Every single mistake, frustration, missed goal: they all have a human behind them. And, healthy human relationships require forgiveness and sincere apologies.
A sincere apology has a few pieces to it:
Acknowledging that you hurt someone and taking responsibility for your part (even if it wasn’t ALL you, you can always own your part).
A commitment to not continue doing the same thing. This is best when it comes with a tangible approach. For example, next time I will either make your deadline or I will let you know with at least three days notice that I need to move the deadline out. And then keep your word. That is key.
Observed change in behavior over time. See, if we keep doing the same thing, the apology isn’t worth anything. That holds true in life and in business. When you are needing to change something you can’t yet you can ask for help. Taking from the same example above, if you really just can’t make deadlines, you can apologize and ask if the person will give you artificially early deadlines. It might sound like this, “I am so sorry I keep missing these deadlines. I am working on being better at time management and even signed up for a new class on it for next month. But, while I am trying to get better at this, can you tell me you need things 3-5 days before you do so that when I do miss a deadline it doesn’t have a negative impact on you? And, as I get better at this and try new approaches, we can reassess and figure out a time when I can own this instead of asking for help?” When an apology is sincere, part of your goal is to figure out how to stop inflicting the same pain.
Can you think of one work relationship that might benefit from your sincere apology? What would it take for you to be able to have that conversation this week?
Forgiving.
Is there someone that has upset you that you need to forgive. Let’s be clear, forgiveness doesn’t mean acting like something never happened or letting someone take advantage of you over and over again. I once had a therapist ask me if I could forgive someone if instead of pretending that something never happened forgiveness meant just “taking your hands off their throat”. That sounded much more realistic and do-able to me. I might not trust them in the same way I did before but I can take my hands off of their throats. Forgiveness can happen in a few ways. You can forgive the person in your mind and let something go without talking to them about it. Or you can actually let the person know that you were upset but have forgiven them. The best approach typically depends on how receptive the other person might be to the conversations. If it might be progressive for the relationship to have it, do it. If not, then just let it go in your mind and skip the conversation.
Forgiving Yourself.
Forgiveness is one of the most important life practices and can have such a profound impact on our working relationships too. But, do you know who usually needs forgiveness the most? Ourselves. We need to forgive ourselves for the times we have let ourself or others down, made a mistake, didn’t hit a goal, or showed up as not a great version of ourselves. What is that thing you have been beating yourself up over? That made you scared to try something big again or hesitant to work with that person again? What would happen if you forgave yourself for that today? What might you be capable of if you took your hands off your own throat?
Tell one person.
If this resonated with you, share the concept and what you are forgiving and/or apologizing about with one person. By sharing it with someone else you will solidify the principles in your mind and create accountability.
